With news that Sepp Blatter intends to run for a 5th straight term as FIFA President, I remember again, why I stopped following football so closely and threw my lot in with American sports. Events over the last few months have made me doubt that decision with racist NBA owners, the Ray Rice saga and other unpleasant incidents marring the landscape of the US sports scene. To confirm whether I made the right decision, I created the World’s Worst Sports Commissioner Championship, in one corner Roger Goodell representing the NFL, in the other Sepp Blatter from FIFA.

Leeeetttssss Get Ready To Ruuummmbbbllleeeee!

DING DING DING

Round 1: Years In Power/Dictatorship Index

Roger Goodell – Commissioner of the NFL since 2006 (8 years – Idi Amin)

Sepp Blatter – President of FIFA since 1998 (16 years – outlasted Hitler, gaining on Kim Jong-Il)

Winner: Sepp Blatter takes this one. Roger Goodell is still in US Presidency levels of ruling. 8 years seems like a lifetime when you have an incompetent leader like Goodell or George W. Bush, but compared to Blatter’s reign of terror, Goodell’s got a long way to catch up.

Round 2: Age/Senility

Roger Goodell – 55 years young

Sepp Blatter – 78 years young

Winner: Sepp Blatter takes this round with a massive 20 years over his opponent. That’s the difference between starting to get worried about old age vs. not being worried about old age because you’re so old that you don’t realise you’re too old.

Round 3: Viewership/Audience/How many people actively hate you

Roger Goodell – SuperBowl (125mn viewers worldwide)

Sepp Blatter – World Cup Final (350mn worldwide)

Winner: SB really cleaning up in this competition, with nearly three times the viewership and around 200mn more people knowing how awful he is at his job.

Round 4: Length Of Time Spent As A Professional Playing The Sport That You Have Ultimate Power To Oversee

Roger Goodell – 0 years

Sepp Blatter – 0 years

Winner: Tie. It’s always worth revisiting this fact, as it makes it clear that neither know what they’re talking about.

Round 5: Attitude Towards Women/Misogynist Rating

Roger Goodell – Probably tried to cover up his knowledge of the videotape that showed Ray Rice knocking his fiancee out cold.

Sepp Blatter – In 2004 Blatter said female footballers should “wear tighter shorts and low cut shirts… to create a more female aesthetic” and attract more male fans.

Winner: Giving this one to RG. While Blatter’s comments are obviously deplorable, the handling of the Ray Rice situation is downright unforgivable.  

Round 6: Blatant Disregard For Your Players’ Safety

Roger Goodell – Thursday night games; concealing medical studies linking concussions to lasting brain damage; allowing the game to be refereed by sub-par replacements during 2012; mismanaged approach to HGH testing until last week; desire for 18 games and playoff expansion.

Sepp Blatter – 2022 World Cup to be held in 50C/122F conditions in Qatar; no concussion protocol whatsoever.

Winner: Roger Goodell. The violence of the NFL trumps anything that happens in FIFA and player safety should be paramount. Ignoring the impact of repeated blows to the head makes me think he’s taken too many himself, before I remember he’s never played the game.

Round 7: Attitude Towards Racism/Old White Man Level

Roger Goodell – Long-time defender of the ‘honour’ behind the Washington Redskins name.

Sepp Blatter – Disavows notions that racism exists in his sport. Believes on-field racism can be solved “with a handshake.” Admonishes AC Milan players for walking off the pitch in response to racist chants against players by fans.

Winner: Both show supreme levels of ignorance when it comes to issues of racism in their sport. This is a close one but I’m going to give the edge to Roger Goodell here. Racism in football is mostly a case of a minority of fans, which are summarily banned for life from attending games, of which Blatter has very little control. The Redskins name on the other hand is a stain on the NFL and one which could be changed easily by Goodell with a bit of pressure on the detestable Dan Snyder (his official name). His continued support for the name in spite of multiple campaigns, edges out the occasional ignorant comments of Blatter.

Round 8: Attitudes Towards Homosexuality

Roger Goodell – I couldn’t find any evidence of a faux pas or disparaging remark. How boring.

Sepp Blatter – Allowing the World Cup to be held in Qatar where homosexuality is a crime, “I’d say they [gay fans] should refrain from any sexual activities.” Apparently this was said in a joking manner, so it’s fine.

Winner: Sepp Blatter by default. Either Blatter/Goodell are more accepting towards homosexuals or the homosexual lobby is more powerful than the Women and Non-White Race lobbies. 

Round 9: Transparency Index/If I Gave You This Envelope Of Cash Would You Accept It?

Roger Goodell – If I can pass it on to the owners and then lie about never having seen it, then Yes.

Sepp Blatter – He already spent the money before you walked into the room on buying the next FIFA Presidency election and host for the the World Cup.

Winner: Blatter. The evidence here is overwhelming. I was disappointed to see Vladimir Putin and Sepp Blatter sitting next to each other at the World Cup final. Football should not allow a corrupt dictator who rigs elections to attend such a prestigious event. Even if he is the president of FIFA.

Round 10: Sum Up Their Leadership Style In A Quote

Roger Goodell – “Running the NFL would be so much easier without the players.”

Sepp Blatter – “Where’s my money, bitch?”

Winner: Tie.

Final Verdict: Blatter takes the title of Worst Commissioner In Sports with a 6-4 victory. He’s already announced that he will be running for a 5th term in May 2015, which means he’ll be running the most powerful and global sport in the world at the ripe old age of 83. Completely unrelated fact: In Sepp Blatter’s home country of Switzerland, the average life expectancy for a male is 80.4 years old, which is the 9th highest in the world.

I know Goodell is sad to miss out on this edition, but I’d remind him that time is on his side and he still has plenty of years left as Commissioner of the NFL. I say that knowing full well that he will weather whatever self-inflicted controversies he causes by simply refusing to resign. When you’re accountable to no one apart from the 32 NFL owners who know they can control you like a puppet, then what you do in your job doesn’t really matter.

Nice work if you can get it.